Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
