What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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