So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
nutella sex= disaster
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
