Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
