Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
