We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
