So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
