I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
