I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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