So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
