checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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