I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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