I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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