what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
