I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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