filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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