Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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