Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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