your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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