dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
