There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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