he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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