I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
