You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
