Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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