My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
