my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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