she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
