if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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