So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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