I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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