guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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