I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
