I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
