thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
