Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
