You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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