Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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