Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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