im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
