He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
