If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize