i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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