You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
