thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
