I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
