Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm really into asian looking animals
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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