Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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