im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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