It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
