I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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