Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
