i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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