He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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