Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
