I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
