Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
