I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
