Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
