Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize